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Thursday, 27 July 2017

You Couldn't Make it Up.........

Introduction:Sometimes stories are woven into the fabric of life and become almost true; Sometimes stories are true and become fiction. No one really knows where the line is drawn and no one needs to know. I will let you decide. A story is for telling, for enthralling, for entertaining, the origin is unimportant.


The Seven Disastrous Dates.



Last time we met I was telling you about that great guy, well he turned out not to be so great, but that’s a story for another time. That seven dwarves picture you put on your Instagram really made me laugh and made me think. Snow White may have had seven dwarves, but I have had 7 disastrous dates, or near dates. (Well I have had more than that but let’s not go there)

Let’s call them dribbly, grumpy, dopey, droopy, pervy, slimey and oddball.

Oddball was the one with the monosyllabic voice, I nearly died of boredom over a cup of coffee, and in fact I was almost hoping I would die because it would have put me out of my misery. I personally think he should hire himself out to insomniacs because I was that close to dozing off that I was pinching myself to stay awake. The only word he said with any inflection at all was AND. Unfortunately this meant he was changing the topic he was boring me about.

Dribbly was the tall, skinny one who dribbled while he ate. I was so glad we only went for a pub drink, because, quite frankly, watching him eat a packet of crisps put me off ever eating again. How can you slurp crisps? How can you dribble while you eat? How? Why? I need answers?

What can I say about grumpy? He was grumpy from the first time he asked me out, through his text messages and through two comedy films at the cinema. I thought the first one may have not been to his taste or that he was having a bad day, but no. Second date, comedy film again, stony stare, not so much a twitch of his lips and the rest of the room, including me, in fits of laughter.

Dopey, well he was not really dopey, so much as ignorant. Only his opinion counted, only his ideas were correct. To be honest most of what came out of his mouth was inane drivel. He did seem to have got a lot wrong in his life; he made stupid choices and always backed the wrong horse, so to speak. It would never have gotten past the first date because he was too busy telling me his pearls of wisdom to listen to a thing I had to say. If it’s one thing I hate, it is a know it all.

Well now we come to pervy. Thus named because, before we had actually got as far as a date, he had let me know that he wished me to walk on him while wearing boots!!! Well, I am sorry but I need a man who is a man, not a walkover (literally.) Real men do not want women walking on them. You can really go off a tune with a mental connection like that. I do not want to hear Nancy Sinatra’s “These boots are made for walking” ever again.

Slimey was a total creep, a weird, cringey guy who I have turned down a few times. His talk of what he wanted to do was way beyond what I would find acceptable and I am no prude. All I can say is that there are toilets for certain things thanks and the door is that way (metaphorically as we never went for that drink) As well as being a slimey weirdo, he had SMALL HANDS!!! Now you know all about my small hands phobia, we have discussed it many times and no, just NO!!!

Finally, what can I say about droopy? You guessed it hun; we had passed the dating stage when I found out that he was not just droopy but rather undersized in certain areas. To be honest, he had a stumpy pencil and did not know how to write with it. (I do like a good analogy.) Sadly he had talked the talk, constantly and promised me the world. Unfortunately it turned out that all he had to offer was, in relation to the world he promised, a corner of the car park. (No, not literally, I am far too old for that)

Any way my lovely, I will write again soon and I so hope that you haven’t pulled a muscle laughing. It could seriously only happen to me and now you know why I won’t go on that dating site you mentioned. If I can meet that many weirdos in real life...... how many could I meet online? The possibilities are endless.