I just like to make an entrance.... the falls and mishaps of a blonde.

It is a known fact among my family and friends that I have an amazing inability to remain upright, and no I don’t drink alcohol at all. My tendency to fall over makes me wonder if I am channelling the spirits of Laurel and Hardy or whether I am just clumsy.

Before this weekend (more of that later), my most spectacular fall was at the 2016 orthodontic show at the Excel Centre in London. I was walking towards a stand to speak to some guys I knew through work and I totally overlooked the edge of the stand. To be fair it was neither low nor high so not totally my stupidity; one minute I was walking and the next I  found myself face down on the carpet having totally misjudged my step. I do have to admit that I went down with a terrible bang and everyone on the stand rushed over to see if I was ok. As I got up I was asked if I was hurt and, in typical Sara style, replied “I just like to make an entrance.”  To be honest I was totally fine apart from a small bruise on my arm. My ego, mind you, was rather dented.

Another memorable moment occurred coming into the concourse of Guildford railway station after work one day. As always work had over run and I was hurrying so I didn’t miss the train. To save time I pulled my ticket holder out of my bag as I walked in and unwittingly pulled out an individually wrapped tampon at the same time. It flew in a dramatic yet graceful arc across the concourse to land at the feet of a group of young men. I swooped down, picked it up while muttering “excuse me”, and scuttled off to the platform to hide on the train. (Stop laughing!)

Of course Guildford station was also the scene of my trip and run incident on the dodgy paving slabs. Every day I would walk out the station past the men waiting with the minibuses to take people to the big firms on the industrial estate. One day, and I can only blame the dodgy paving slabs for this, I tripped. I did that thing that comedians joke about where you trip and then run to disguise it. The only difference being that I had no choice, the momentum of the trip made me run a few steps.  One of the men did ask if I was ok so my reply was “I just like to be entertaining”.

Yes, we are seeing a pattern emerge. I do something stupid and disguise it with a supposedly humorous quip. It is better than going into a state of total embarrassment and crying or spontaneously combusting or whatever reaction other people have.

Anyway, back to my inability to stay upright. I have slipped over in a shop on carpet with absolutely nothing to fall on. This is a feat that Harold Lloyd would have had to practice for hours to perfect.....I really should have been a star of the silent screen.

There have been at least three times I can think of that I have fallen over in the street for no discernable reason. No ice, no snow, no rain or trip hazards, just me ending up far more horizontally than I would have chosen in an outdoor setting. Though I have skidded on ice and fallen on it too, but that goes without saying I suppose.

Ironically I managed seven weeks on crutches and special shoes after a double foot operation last year and I didn’t fall or slide or trip once. It has been suggested to me that may have been because I was not charging around like the proverbial bull in a china shop at warp speed, but I am not so sure.

Now a long time ago I used to be a waitress and never dropped a thing. However, things just leap out my hands at the drop of a hat these days. So far I have been lucky on the occasions that I have to carry a loaded tea tray into the boss and his visitors at work. So far I managed not to trip over and throw a tea tray full of coffee, sugar, milk and biscuits over any of the distinguished people that have come for meetings, but I do have rather a look of Mrs Overall about me when I carry a tea tray.

My luck has not been so good in Cafe Nero. A couple of years back I carried a latte on a tray upstairs at Nero’s and, as I went to put it on a low table my bag swung, knocked the cup and it went flying. This somehow resulted in a large amount of coffee spilling down INSIDE my boot. What are the odds? I was lucky that they cleaned it up and gave me another one, but I am not sure they really believe I won’t do it again. I would like to blame the low table, gravity and the shape of the latte mug, but there is probably no point, we all know why it happened.

People have laughed at my fear of going on the down escalators but stop and think for a minute...... what could go wrong? A woman who has a history of falling over and about as much grace as a Meccano giraffe going on a fast moving electrical staircase travelling downwards. I think that’s an episode of Casualty right there.

Of course I started my career as a potential stunt girl at a very young age. When I was just under a year old I escaped and was seen walking off the top stair straight into the air like a cartoon character. As in every good cartoon, I didn’t walk in the air, I fell. I had no injuries and was fine...... and no, I didn’t bang my head. J

Something I manage to do occasionally is to hit myself in the face; yes, truly ridiculous. This has happened with a coat hanger on several occasions and I am really not sure how. I have also managed it just with my hand too. I think it comes from rushing around and doing too many things at once rather than being a total fool. Sheer carelessness is as good a reason as any for forgetting cupboard doors have been left open and walking into them. This is a classic Sara cooking scenario and I should just close the doors.

Back to specific incidents, I have had a few moments worthy of a comedy sketch.  The curtain in my bedroom used to be on a tension rod and this is why it was a bad idea. Picture a hot night, sleeping naked and I wake up to a wasp the size of an obese hornet dive bombing me. Why do they do that? I jumped out of bed, grabbed my fly swat and went in hot pursuit round the bedroom. It ended up, after many attempts to escape, sitting on the curtain. Forgetting the fragility of my window dressing I swatted the wasp. The curtain, attached to the tension rod, came crashing down leaving me totally naked in front of the window. The result of this fiasco was that the wasp finally went out of the window and I dived for my dressing gown hoping that I had not scared too many of my neighbours. It was early so I like to think there were no witnesses and my curtain is now up on a proper curtain rod. 

An incident that could only have been choreographed by Norman Wisdom was the day the tomatoes made a bid for freedom. I am making a salad so have got out all the salad veg, the chopping board and salad bowl. As I pull open the drawer to get a knife I catch the punnet of baby tomatoes with my arm. The tomatoes scatter across the floor and, as I bend down to pick up the tomatoes I crack my head on the cutlery drawer which, of course, is still open. I did clear everything up and I did get my salad, but how funny it would have been to watch and what a typical silent movie slapstick scene.

I have decorated a lot in the past which clearly couldn't go without incident. Trying to paint the hall, stairs and landing with a long handled brush, standing on a slippery plastic dust sheet....... well it is a miracle I am in one piece. The rickety old wooden step ladder I used to use to decorate finally managed to get it's revenge when I was painting a ceiling in my old house. One minute I was painting the ceiling, the next I was falling ( I can see a pattern here.)  Luckily I only had a small container of paint so the disaster of the  incident was not as monumental as it could have been. All I will say is that there was paint to clear up, yes I had a bruise and yes the ladder was replaced.

Now last weekend I managed to have a proper accident. The lovely man in my life was trying to teach me to ride a bike and for my first time I think I did well. I was staying upright (miracle) and cycling. I was doing well until I somehow managed to cycle into a fence, bend my arm back behind me and go into shock. Luckily I only seem to have hurt the muscles in my arm and I have quite a few grazes and bruises. I was well looked after as I really had gone into shock. (My body does seem to like extreme reactions.) It is a mystery how I crashed into the fence because I was cycling, looking ahead and going in a straight line before veering off into a fence for no reason known to me or anyone else for that matter.

It is amazing how people react when they see you have an accident. With the bike accident my lovely man was amazing, however, not everyone is.  I have had people rush to help, I have had people laugh and people totally ignore the fact that I have fallen. For example, I have slipped on the concrete steps at the station and only stopped a major fall by grabbing the banister. Of all the people going up and down those stairs, only one person asked if I was ok.

Clearly I know that I need to be more careful but I still do silly things. My desk at work is quite large and I am quite short, so to reach something at the back, I need to stand up. However, on a daily basis I try to reach too far and my chair starts to slip (yes it’s on an anti slip mat). I actually suggested to my boss that he might want to put a camera in my office as he could make £250 on You’ve Been Framed when I actually slip off my chair. Alternatively I could be sensible, but is that really going to happen? 

I am sure I will think of other examples of Sara slapstick as soon as I have posted this piece but maybe my mind has blocked them out due to the level of embarrassment. My family and friends will probably remind me of incidents that I have totally forgotten, but I think you get the picture; basically I really do need to be more careful.

 

Surely I can't fall over in here?

The secret inner contents of a woman's bag.

A women’s handbag is a private and mysterious world where everything is personal and important to the owner of the bag. It is a place where no man dares to go.

I thought today, however, that I would share the inner most secret contents of my handbag. Now to be honest mine is not the most interesting or exciting bag, the contents are more practical. In contrast I will also show you the undiscovered delights which lurk in my daughter-in-law’s handbag. Gillian has a fascinating selection of things that she feels are essential to carry around with her.

Now I will say that my bag is organised, I change it a few times a week to co-ordinate with my outfits and clear it out whenever I change it. Yes, sad, I know. Receipts either need to be filed for checking against my bank account, kept as I paid in cash and they may be needed, or cash and they won’t be needed. (They go straight in the recycling bin.) I also clear my Filofax out a couple of times a week as there is no point having an organisation system that is in a state of disorganisation.

The 3 main bags I am using for work are 3 satchels that I got this year. One was given to me, one was from a charity shop and one was a bargain in the sales. I do have other lovely bags but they are my main ones for right now.

The contents of my bag on the day I wrote this are as follows:

·         My ochre Malden Filofax;  which also contains propelling and ordinary pencils, a selection of post it notes, a photo of my lovely children, a Donor card, my blog cards, Philofaxy blog cards and chameleon Upholstery cards.

·         My navy blue spotty Paperchase pencil case; which also contains spare propelling pencil leads, a pencil sharpener, my favourite pen, and my Welsh pen.

·         My sunglass case; which contains my prescription sunglasses, a glasses cleaning cloth and a mini cleaning spray.

·         My blue M2 Filofax wallet; this contains my shopping list, mini pen, reward cards, bank cards and paper money ( if I am really lucky).

·         My pink unicorn coin purse; this contains my loose change.

·         My phone.

·         Home keys and work keys.

·         Tissues.

·         A make up bag; which contains lip gloss, comb, mirror, floss and eye drops.

·         I also carry migraine tablets, anti car sickness tablets and an asthma inhaler.

·         I always carry a mini spray deodorant and a Charlie Pink spray too.

                                                   

I do also carry an extra little bag on work days containing an Eco water bottle, an Eco coffee cup for takeaway coffee, an umbrella and my lunch. I also always carry a fold up shopping bag at all times.

Now my daughter-in-law carries a far more interesting array of belongings with her than me and has been known in the past to pull some weird and wonderful things out of her bag. Examples are: a potato, clothes pegs, spare clean socks and a tin of tuna.

When I took the photographs for this piece Gillian had in fact two bags. One was a handbag and the other an over spill

bag. I have, therefore, split the lists into two. The photos are just a mixture of the contents of both bags.

Gillian’s main bag contains: ( In the order they came out)

·         A purse.

·         A hairbrush.

·         Glasses.

·         Sunglasses.

·         Make up dregs and new makeup.

·         Ibuprofen and paracetamol.

·         Rescue remedy.

·         Adrian Mole the Wilderness Years cassette 1.

·         A loose 50p.

·         Pellegere Woods hand book

·         Answers to Welsh language test.

·         A pen.

·         Adrian Mole The cappuccino Years cassette 1.

·         2 sets of headphones.

·         Half a phone charger.

·         6 hairgrips.

·         Antihistamines. 

·         Tissues.

·         Receipts.

·         2 random keys of unknown origin.

·         A deodorant.

·         A loose 2p.

Gillian’s overspill bag contains: ( In the order they came out)

·         Glasses case.

·         Beetroot seeds.

·         Squash sees.

·         Spring onion seeds.

·         2 notebooks.

·         Phone case.

·         Moisturiser – expired.

·         2 hairclips.

·         Five Get into Trouble cassette

·         Pine nuts and pumpkin seeds snack.

·         Five Go Adventuring Again cassette.... unravelled.

·         Third Year at Mallory Towers cassette.

·         Pair of clean socks.

·         Five Go off in a Caravan cassette 2.

·         Perfume.

·         4 2^nd class stamps.

·         Glasses.

·         AAA battery.

Gill's purse ....probably full of receipts?

I do believe that Gillian's bag, though slightly disorganised in approach, does show a sense of being ready for anything and also a fun side too. All the various cassettes to listen to in the car are fabulous.

My bag is structured and organised but does not show my fun side. I think this is because I do like to be ultra organised and it is important to me to be able to access what I need when I am out.