It
is a known fact among my family and friends that I have an amazing inability to
remain upright, and no I don’t drink alcohol at all. My tendency to fall over
makes me wonder if I am channelling the spirits of Laurel and Hardy or whether
I am just clumsy.
Before
this weekend (more of that later), my most spectacular fall was at the 2016
orthodontic show at the Excel Centre in London. I was walking towards a stand to
speak to some guys I knew through work and I totally overlooked the edge of the
stand. To be fair it was neither low nor high so not totally my stupidity; one minute I was walking and the next I found myself face down on the carpet having totally misjudged my
step. I do have to admit that I went down with a terrible bang and everyone on
the stand rushed over to see if I was ok. As I got up I was asked if I was hurt and, in typical Sara style, replied “I just like to make an entrance.” To be honest I was totally fine apart from a
small bruise on my arm. My ego, mind you, was rather dented.
Another
memorable moment occurred coming into the concourse of Guildford railway
station after work one day. As always work had over run and I was hurrying so I
didn’t miss the train. To save time I pulled my ticket holder out of my bag as
I walked in and unwittingly pulled out an individually wrapped tampon at
the same time. It flew in a dramatic yet graceful arc across the concourse to
land at the feet of a group of young men. I swooped down, picked it up while muttering
“excuse me”, and scuttled off to the platform to hide on the train. (Stop
laughing!)
Of
course Guildford station was also the scene of my trip and run incident on the
dodgy paving slabs. Every day I would walk out the station past the men waiting
with the minibuses to take people to the big firms on the industrial estate. One
day, and I can only blame the dodgy paving slabs for this, I tripped. I did
that thing that comedians joke about where you trip and then run to disguise
it. The only difference being that I had no choice, the momentum of the trip
made me run a few steps. One of the men
did ask if I was ok so my reply was “I just like to be entertaining”.
Yes,
we are seeing a pattern emerge. I do something stupid and disguise it with a
supposedly humorous quip. It is better than going into a state of total
embarrassment and crying or spontaneously combusting or whatever reaction other
people have.
Anyway,
back to my inability to stay upright. I have slipped over in a shop on carpet
with absolutely nothing to fall on. This is a feat that Harold Lloyd would have
had to practice for hours to perfect.....I really should have been a star of the
silent screen.
There
have been at least three times I can think of that I have fallen over in the
street for no discernable reason. No ice, no snow, no rain or trip hazards,
just me ending up far more horizontally than I would have chosen in an outdoor
setting. Though I have skidded on ice and fallen on it too, but that goes
without saying I suppose.
Ironically
I managed seven weeks on crutches and special shoes after a double foot
operation last year and I didn’t fall or slide or trip once. It has been
suggested to me that may have been because I was not charging around like the
proverbial bull in a china shop at warp speed, but I am not so sure.
Now
a long time ago I used to be a waitress and never dropped a thing. However,
things just leap out my hands at the drop of a hat these days. So far I have
been lucky on the occasions that I have to carry a loaded tea tray into the
boss and his visitors at work. So far I managed not to trip over and throw a
tea tray full of coffee, sugar, milk and biscuits over any of the distinguished people that have come for meetings, but I do have rather a look of Mrs Overall
about me when I carry a tea tray.
My
luck has not been so good in Cafe Nero. A couple of years back I carried a
latte on a tray upstairs at Nero’s and, as I went to put it on a low table my
bag swung, knocked the cup and it went flying. This somehow resulted in a large
amount of coffee spilling down INSIDE my boot. What are the odds? I was lucky
that they cleaned it up and gave me another one, but I am not sure they really
believe I won’t do it again. I would like to blame the low table, gravity and
the shape of the latte mug, but there is probably no point, we all know why it happened.
People
have laughed at my fear of going on the down escalators but stop and think for
a minute...... what could go wrong? A woman who has a history of falling over
and about as much grace as a Meccano giraffe going on a fast moving electrical
staircase travelling downwards. I think that’s an episode of Casualty right
there.
Of
course I started my career as a potential stunt girl at a very young age. When
I was just under a year old I escaped and was seen walking off the top stair
straight into the air like a cartoon character. As in every good cartoon, I
didn’t walk in the air, I fell. I had no injuries and was fine...... and no, I
didn’t bang my head. J
Something
I manage to do occasionally is to hit myself in the face; yes, truly
ridiculous. This has happened with a coat hanger on several occasions and I am
really not sure how. I have also managed it just with my hand too. I think it
comes from rushing around and doing too many things at once rather than being a
total fool. Sheer carelessness is as good a reason as any for forgetting
cupboard doors have been left open and walking into them. This is a classic
Sara cooking scenario and I should just close the doors.
Back
to specific incidents, I have had a few moments worthy of a comedy sketch. The curtain in my bedroom used to be on a
tension rod and this is why it was a bad idea. Picture a hot night, sleeping
naked and I wake up to a wasp the size of an obese hornet dive bombing me. Why
do they do that? I jumped out of bed, grabbed my fly swat and went in hot
pursuit round the bedroom. It ended up, after many attempts to escape, sitting
on the curtain. Forgetting the fragility of my window dressing I swatted the
wasp. The curtain, attached to the tension rod, came crashing down leaving me
totally naked in front of the window. The result of this fiasco was that the
wasp finally went out of the window and I dived for my dressing gown hoping
that I had not scared too many of my neighbours. It was early so I like to think
there were no witnesses and my curtain is now up on a proper curtain rod.
An
incident that could only have been choreographed by Norman Wisdom was the day
the tomatoes made a bid for freedom. I am making a salad so have got out all
the salad veg, the chopping board and salad bowl. As I pull open the drawer to
get a knife I catch the punnet of baby tomatoes with my arm. The tomatoes
scatter across the floor and, as I bend down to pick up the tomatoes I crack my
head on the cutlery drawer which, of course, is still open. I did clear
everything up and I did get my salad, but how funny it would have been to watch
and what a typical silent movie slapstick scene.
I have decorated a lot in the past which clearly couldn't go without incident. Trying to paint the hall, stairs and landing with a long handled brush, standing on a slippery plastic dust sheet....... well it is a miracle I am in one piece. The rickety old wooden step ladder I used to use to decorate finally managed to get it's revenge when I was painting a ceiling in my old house. One minute I was painting the ceiling, the next I was falling ( I can see a pattern here.) Luckily I only had a small container of paint so the disaster of the incident was not as monumental as it could have been. All I will say is that there was paint to clear up, yes I had a bruise and yes the ladder was replaced.
Now
last weekend I managed to have a proper accident. The lovely man in my life was
trying to teach me to ride a bike and for my first time I think I did well. I
was staying upright (miracle) and cycling. I was doing well until I somehow
managed to cycle into a fence, bend my arm back behind me and go into shock.
Luckily I only seem to have hurt the muscles in my arm and I have quite a few
grazes and bruises. I was well looked after as I really had gone into shock. (My
body does seem to like extreme reactions.) It is a mystery how I crashed into the fence because I was cycling,
looking ahead and going in a straight line before veering off into a fence for
no reason known to me or anyone else for that matter.
It
is amazing how people react when they see you have an accident. With the bike
accident my lovely man was amazing, however, not everyone is. I have had people rush to help, I have had
people laugh and people totally ignore the fact that I have fallen. For
example, I have slipped on the concrete steps at the station and only stopped a
major fall by grabbing the banister. Of all the people going up and down those
stairs, only one person asked if I was ok.
Clearly
I know that I need to be more careful but I still do silly things. My desk at
work is quite large and I am quite short, so to reach something at the back, I
need to stand up. However, on a daily basis I try to reach too far and my chair
starts to slip (yes it’s on an anti slip mat). I actually suggested to my boss
that he might want to put a camera in my office as he could make £250 on You’ve
Been Framed when I actually slip off my chair. Alternatively I could be
sensible, but is that really going to happen?
I
am sure I will think of other examples of Sara slapstick as soon as I have
posted this piece but maybe my mind has blocked them out due to the level of embarrassment.
My family and friends will probably remind me of incidents that I have totally forgotten,
but I think you get the picture; basically I really do need to be more careful.
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| Surely I can't fall over in here? |
