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Sunday, 12 June 2016

Where did you get that hat??

I have always had an inability to place a hat on my head without looking totally daft. I regularly see people sporting all kinds of hats and looking completely fabulous, sadly I am not one of them.

As soon as I put on any kind of headgear I know I am headed for that look where I could very easily look like I have been allowed to dress myself despite an inability to do so. My look screams “escaped from the asylum and grabbed someone else's hat on the way out”

Now this is really not an exaggeration as anyone who has been unlucky enough to be in my hat wearing presence will tell you. Yes, I do have a tendency to pull a daft face as soon as I put a hat on but I don’t think it would make the slightest bit of difference if I didn’t.

I have actually asked the opinion of the man working in the hat department of M&S in regard to whether a hat suited me. His face said it all while he continued to make polite platitudes until I explained that I needed an honest opinion and would not be offended. He then very politely pointed out the flaws in each hat I tried on.

There are friends of mine who look fabulous in woolly hats, others who suit the baker boy style and some who seem to be able to pull of any kind of headgear. You see women all the time with all manner of things perched on their heads who look glamorous and confident and totally fabulous.

Where some look kooky and cool in a woolly hat, I just look like the girl in the advert for the Blair Witch project crossed with Benny from Crossroads. Woolly hats also tend to plaster my hair to my head in an attractive “just been caught in a deluge” kind of way.

Of course I have tried other kinds of hat but every style I try, whether it is baker boy, baseball or straw hat, they always look wrong like I have borrowed someone else’s hat. As for wearing a fascinator, well the something dropped on your head look is just not cool. I have not got the style to pull off the jaunty side of the head look so it looks like I am wearing a hat for a doll instead of a fascinator.

I wonder if an Australian cork hat swag man style would suit me then I realise that I would probably be the first person ever to take out an eye or get a fat lip from a swinging cork from a piece of headgear and this would really not enhance my image in the slightest.

So I know I can't get away with a bonnet, ( too horrific) a turban, ( too high) a sombrero, ( too wide) a stetson,  ( still too wide) a crown, ( too common) a tiara ( too fussy) or a bandanna. ( I am just not cool enough).

To be honest I have come to the conclusion that the only style of hat I could get away with would be the SAS/ bank robber style balaclava with the eye holes. These ski masks totally hide the identity of the wearer so I could walk round anonymously and everyone would be oblivious to the fact that it would be me. Sorted for next winter out for me on the news after my inevitable capture by armed police. J

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