Thursday, 23 October 2014


For quite some time I have been warning people about the impending spider apocolypse, but sadly no one listened and they kept "putting the spiders outside" with no thought to the increasing numbers and species in the country.  I have noticed in recent years, and this year in particular, that spiders are getting more prolific, larger and nastier. It is easier for the dangerous spiders to get in to the country now, They come in accidentally with fruit and other imported products. They can also be seen queuing at airports and docks, passports clutched in their nasty, hairy hands. Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but I do think that the importation of exotic spiders is on the rise as people look for more bizarre pets.

To be honest I cannot see the contribution that spiders make to the world. All this rubbish about eating flies is nonsense as most of us clean away the cobwebs. As far as I can see cobwebs are the only way for a spider to catch a fly. I can honestly say, and I am pleased about this, your average English housespider does not jump into mid air grabbing flies as it goes. ( shivering at the very thought) This is mind, how do they do any good?  They string webs around in hard to see places so we walk in to them. ( this may cause hysteria in some people .... me!) and do little else that I can see apart form lurk around waiting for victims.

At 5.30 in the morning a few weeks ago, when confronted with a psychopathic, killer arachnid in my toilet; I knew I had a fight on my hands The rather large furry beast that I had encountered had come with one intention..... to kill everyone that he could find. I knew this because he was weilding a large baseball bat (really). I am not saying he was a little scary, I am telling you he was a monster with eyes like saucers and fangs like a acouple of ice picks. A scuffle ensued and the hellmonster was slain at the hands of a broom weilding maniac. Another eight legged attacker dispatched to spider hell.
My advice to anyone who thinks to attack  me at 5.30 in the morning; do not hide behind the toilet cleaner bottle!!! 


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