Disclaimer: this post was written as a humorous piece only and does not necessarily reflect the way I feel.
I have
decided this year that the only man I will go out with is one who enhances my
life, rather than one who drains it. I have fabulous family and friends, a
lovely little flat and a job I love; however, I have had a few people tell me lately
that I should add a man to the mix again.
This got me
thinking about what I want in a man and how I would present it in a dating
agency advert. After all, I wouldn’t want to repeat previous mistakes.
“Man required, and when I say a man I mean
a proper man, not a whiney, new age guy who is far too in tune with his feminine
side. Must be independent; needy men need not apply. Who wants to spend twenty
four/ seven with anyone or get twenty emails or texts a day? Don’t get me
wrong, it’s always nice to receive a text, just not an all day, endless
barrage of them.
The applicant need only apply if
tall, a minimum of five foot eleven, not five foot nine masquerading as six
foot, as is often the case. It is weird how men are such a poor judge of size
J
This also brings me to the next point; no small hands. Small hands in a
friend are fine, small hands in a prospective partner are not an option. If you
really don’t know if you have small hands or not, then please do some scientific
research. This should consist of a physical comparison of hands with at least
ten friends. This way you will be able to work out whether you are creepy or
not.
Looks are not important as
beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but please do not apply if your figure
can be described as skeletal or skinny as this is very unattractive.
I do need to make it clear that
I don’t want a man’s money; however rich you are it is irrelevant to me. A
good work ethic is important as laziness is extremely unattractive and anyone
who thinks I will support a man is clearly delusional.
Alcoholics need not apply. A
lot of people like a drink but if you have a problem go to AA, I am not a counselling
service. This also brings me to men who are obsessed with a previous partner............the
door is that way.
A man, who actually likes to
read, can hold a conversation and still likes to go out socialising would be
perfect; but is sadly a figment of my imagination. If a man can’t mix with my
friends occasionally, then, once again .............the door is that way. If you
are so boring that you can’t hold a conversation, then, need I say it?
.............the door is that way.
One very important thing.....you must be single. Not married and telling me you're unhappy at home, not going out with anyone else, totally and utterly single. It's not hard to know whether you are already in a relationship, but some men seem to be a little confused!
Finally, if you need to take
those little blue pills my suggestion would be to walk away now. I am neither
your therapist nor here to stroke your ego.”
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Well, I
think that could be posted to a dating site with no alterations, I can’t see
any problems. I probably should have added that the applicant needs to like
short, fat, grumpy blondes with a slight streak of insanity and a tendency to dance, but I am sure that won’t
be a problem. 😉
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| Seems like the perfect man! |
